How one woman used #running to help survive the loss of her husband and raise two boys on her own.
I know he hates not having a Dad. I know that he wonders why God took his Dad away. I know he wonders why this happened to him. I know that he would give up everything, including his pitching arm, to have his Dad back. But he does not cry, at least not in front of me. He does not get angry about it. He does not act out because of it. He does not get in a significant amount of trouble. He does not lie in his room and sulk. He’s f’ing amazing.
This week a 15 year old boy drowned in a pool at a local highschool in my town. I have been unable to get him and his family out of my mind. I do not pretend to know the grief of losing a child but I do know what it’s like to lose someone in a pool. Death, in any circumstance, is horrible. Death by…
As I peddled my indoor bike, I thought about it. Maybe National Widows Day is intended to bring awareness about Widowhood. So, I asked myself “what would I want people to be aware of regarding Widowhood?” Here is what I came up with.
I feel like I have been catapulted back into grief. Although, I never really left it. Losing Ralphie is like losing another piece of Gordie. It’s like losing the last piece of my life before kids. It was just Gordie, Ralphie, and me in Colorado for five years before we had kids. Now both of them are gone.
One of the main reasons I write about my life and experience is to help others. I firmly believe that my husband would want me to do this. So, as I am about start my 7th year as a Widow, I will attempt to pass to you the perspective, outlook, and approach to life that I have gained in the last six years. My hope is that it will make you stop, think, and perhaps change without having to pay the price that I did.
Relocating or removing a wedding ring might sound like no big deal to someone who has not experienced the death of a spouse. But to those of us who have, it’s a decision and event that is charged with emotional angst. Nearly all widowed spouses toy with the questions “should I remove my ring?” and “when should I remove my ring?”
Nathan and I went to his ceremony. I scouted the church for other single parent families but all I could see were children with two parents. Later that night, as I sat on my bed looking out the window at the moon, I thought about Nathan’s comment. He was so right. There are just some people out there that are really nice. And they had just made a special night for my grieving son, special.
I had been dreading Thanksgiving and had been thinking about it on some of my runs in the last few weeks. I still felt like I had been screwed by God and the Universe. I felt that my sons were robbed of a Father who loved them more than any Father I’ve known. On some days I felt that my life was one big struggle. I did not feel like being thankful this year.
So, that’s why my heart hurts this week. I feel the pain of all these people who lost someone in Las Vegas. I experienced this pain with Sandy Hook in 2012, the year that Gordie died. I wrote about it back then and will share it soon on my blog. But this week I have been unable to stop thinking about the Las Vegas victims’ families.
Grief has never really left our home but it has a much quieter presence than it did a few years ago. It is no longer nearly destroying our lives on a daily basis. But I know it will most likely rise up again and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. I live everyday knowing my sons’ grief will come back. And I will continue to scour them for signs that it’s here. Like many other widows and widowers with kids, I’m just waiting for it. Waiting for the grief to return. #widowwithkids #childrensgrief #kidsgrief #keeprunning #runningthroughgrief
