This week a 15 year old boy drowned in a pool at a local highschool in my town. I have been unable to get him and his family out of my mind. I do not pretend to know the grief of losing a child but I do know what it’s like to lose someone in a pool. Death, in any circumstance, is horrible. Death by an unexplained drowning, for me, has been horrendous.
My husband died in a pool 2,259 days ago. Everyday, for 2,259 days, I have asked myself “how did Gordie fall in that pool and how was he not able to get out?” That question haunted me for the first couple of years and sometimes it would make me fall to the ground in despair. 2,259 days later, that question no longer causes me to fall to the ground in despair but it does still haunt me. 2,259 days later, I have accepted that I will ask myself this question everyday for the rest of my life…and I will never get the answer.
I don’t know how Gordie fell into the pool. I do not know how he was not able to get out. I don’t even know if he actually drowned or if he was dead before he fell in. There was little water found in his lungs during the autopsy. Heart disease was detected in the autopsy, which we never knew he had. As I have written before, all the Coroner and Authorities could give me was “our best guess….”. No suicide. No homicide. Just their “best guess.”
I’m sure that everyone who loses someone wonders about the circumstances of their loved one’s last minutes on Earth. I’m an insatiably curious person and also fairly analytical so it’s been impossible for me not to think about Gordie’s last minutes. I try not to think about it but I can’t stop myself from wondering if he was scared, if he knew he was drowning, if he was in pain, and if he was desperately, frantically, trying to find his way out of that pool. Gordie was my best friend in the entire world and it hurts my heart so much to think that he might have been scared and suffering.
I remember sitting by the pool where Gordie lost his life for days during the first year following his loss. I would just sit there and stare at that pool, sometimes in the rain., without an umbrella. Often I would have visions of him floating in the pool. The visions became so bad that I starting having them even when I was away from the pool. I never actually saw Gordie in the pool when he died. Fortunately, the Authorities found him, not me. But my visions were like panoramic pictures that I could not shut off. They got so bad that I had to get professional help to get rid of them, something that I will write about in future chapters on my blog.
When I started looking for a new house a few months after Gordie died I would not look at houses that had pools in the backyard. I grew up with a pool in the backyard and I absolutely love swimming but I thought my days of backyard pools were over. Through the six months that it took me to finally find a house my aversion to pools drifted away and I ended up buying a house with a pool. I had a baby gate installed and it’s still in place today even though my youngest child is eight years old and a good swimmer. Buying a house with a pool has been a good thing for me and the boys. We really enjoy having it and use it quite a bit during the summers. I will not lie though. When I look out the window and see something in my pool, my pulse quickens, my stomach drops and I feel a sense of panic until I see that it’s just a kickboard or a shirt that blew off the back of a chair. I also have some pretty over the top rules when the boys play in the pool with their friends. I know my crazy rules bother my older son but I am pretty sure he’s smart enough to understand why I have them.
The people in my town are very curious about how the high school boy drowned this week. Speculation and rumors are already circling in the news and on social media. I kind of know what that’s like too. The Authorities protected my husband’s death from the news but immediately after Gordie died I heard that the town was whispering and speculating. I remember how angry hearing that made me. I just wanted to be able to grieve privately. I just wanted people to mind their own business.
I have been praying a lot this week since this happened. I pray for the boy and that he is now in Heaven. I pray for his family as they start their journey through grief. I pray that the news and social media backs off and lets the family grieve privately.
But most of all, I pray that the family gets the answers that I never did. I pray that 2,259 days from now, they are not asking the same question I do every day.