Waiting For It

My sons were ages six and two when my husband died. My two year old was too young for counseling. My six year old was on the border line but I found a grief counselor who was willing to work with him and work with me. It was important to me that my son and I had the same grief counselor. I thought it would be more beneficial to us to have someone who could connect the dots between my grief and my son’s grief.

I will never forget my son’s first appointment. I picked him up at school and drove him to the grief counselor’s office.

“Where are we going again Mommy?” Nathan asked. We had talked about it the night before but he was still a little confused.

“We are going to a counselor who talks to people who have lost important people in their lives”, I said. “I have already met her and she’s really, really nice”.

“Why do I have to talk to someone about it?” he asked.

“Because she might be able to help you figure out how you are feeling” I replied.

“I already know how I am feeling. I am sad. I miss my Dad.” Nathan said.

My stomach dropped. There is no phrase I hate more than “I miss my Dad”. It is the most painful thing a Widow with Kids will ever hear.

“I know Nath. But I think she can help us both get through this” I said.

“OK” he grumbled.

We walked into the counselor’s office and I introduced Nathan to our Grief Counselor. Nathan looked around the room taking in all the toys.

The counselor shook his hand and then said “Your Mom will be right outside while you and I talk and play. OK?”

Nathan looked at me and said “OK”. I smiled and left the room.

I sat in the waiting area and tried to distract myself by going through work emails, playing on my phone and reading the magazines on the little table. Nothing really worked. I looked at my foot…it was just tapping up and down.

After what seemed like eternity, the door opened and the counselor invited me in. She said that she and Nathan had a great session and that she would like to see him a few more times.

“Would that be OK Nathan? If we see each other a few more times?” she asked Nathan.

“OK” Nathan replied.

I had an appointment with the counselor scheduled the next day. We said our good-byes and headed to the car.

“How was it Bud?” I asked Nathan.

“It was fine. I just played” he said. “She has some good toys”.

I smiled.

“Did you guys talk?” I asked.

“Kind of. But mostly I just played” he said.

That’s all I got out of him.

The next day I went in for my appointment.

“How was your session with Nathan?” I asked before I even took my seat.

“It was good. Even though he is a minor, I am still held to some confidentiality laws but I am able to give you some information and guidance on how to help him” she said.

“What did he say about the session?” she asked.

“He said he played” I replied.

She smiled. “That’s the great thing about counseling kids and using play. They just think they are playing. But they are talking to me and answering questions without really knowing they are doing it” she said.

“Too bad that does not work for adults” I said. She laughed.
Nathan saw the counselor for two months on a weekly basis. Additionally I found a children’s grief group at Hope Hospice in a town near ours. This group was composed of children in Nathan’s age group who had lost a family member. There were kids who lost Dads, Moms, Siblings, and even a Grandmother. The kids and the grief counselors would meet in one room while the parents met together with another grief counselor in a separate room. The parent session was about learning how to help your kids through grief. Nathan really enjoyed the kid sessions. The grief center brought in therapy dogs which all the kids loved. They used art as a mechanism for the kids to express their feelings. Most of all, I think Nathan just liked being in a group of kids where he did not feel different.

The biggest thing I learned through the Hope Hospice sessions and from the counselor who was seeing both Nathan and I was that grief can show up at any point in time.

“He’s doing really well right now Staci. He does not show any signs of depression or concerning behavior. He is understandably sad and he misses his Dad terribly but he’s doing remarkably well” my counselor told me after Nathan’s last session.

“Thank God” I nearly whispered.

“But, this is not the end of his grief” she said.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“Grief will come back throughout both of Nathan and Wyatt’s lives. It might come back at significant milestones in their lives:   like graduating high school or leaving for college or getting married or having their first child. Or it might come back at some random time that does not make sense. I don’t want to scare you but, as their Mother, you have to be aware of this. I can guarantee you that it will come back at some point” she said.

I thought I was going to be sick. Their grief will never end and I will be constantly looking for it.

“So, I will always be watching for signs of it?” I asked.  I desperately wanted her to say that I had misunderstood her.  But, that was not the case.

She nodded. “Yes. And you will be confused. You will wonder if their behavior is just typical kid behavior or is it the grief rearing its ugly head” she said.

“How will I know?” I asked.

“You might not and that’s when you need to reach out to someone like me or another professional to see if they need help” she said.

I drove home from that appointment in a state of sadness.

Grief never ends.

My boys are doomed to a lifetime of grief.

How am I going to know when the grief comes back?

I am not a wait and see person. I value being proactive versus reactive. I see something bad in the future and I do whatever I can to avoid it. I live conservatively to avoid disaster. I hate surprises…especially the bad ones. I try to prepare for anything and everything. Living a life where my sons’ grief could come back at any time and always looking for it would be very, very difficult for me.

And it has been. So far, I feel like my life since then has been like the play Waiting for Godot, where I have spent 5.5 years waiting for something that has yet to arrive. I am constantly wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. I am constantly questioning when my boys are acting out if it’s due to the grief or just regular boy behavior. Last year when Nathan was in 6^th grade, we had a very difficult year. Nathan is very smart but he was not taking school seriously and his grades dropped. We were fighting all the time over it. Every night I would go to bed and lie there thinking Is this due to grief? Is it back? Or is this just normal pre-teen behavior? Should I take him to see someone.  I would endlessly contemplate it on my runs.  Is this grief?

It was driving me crazy. I do not like guessing. I do not like not knowing.

I ended up taking Nathan to see someone after the school year and they did not see any signs of grief or depression. Phew.

But that’s just this time. I got lucky. Next time it might be the grief. I also know that it will probably hit Wyatt at some point in time. He was just two years old when his Dad died. He was too young to be able to grieve. I wonder if it’s trapped in his little body and will just explode one day.

Grief has never really left our home but it has a much quieter presence than it did a few years ago. It is no longer nearly destroying our lives on a daily basis. But it most likely will rise up someday. It could rise up in a really big, destructive way. I hope not but it could. There is not much I can do to prepare for it or avoid it. But I try to fight it by loving my sons and making their lives as good as I possibly can. I also raise them with an iron fist and total honesty. I tell them that life sucks sometimes and that we all got majorly screwed but that does not give us an excuse to behave badly or live a life that would displease God. I also tell them that we have a responsibly to honor their Father and his character. Ultimately we have to make Gordie proud of how we lived life after he was taken from us.

So I live knowing my sons’ grief will come back. And I will continue to scour them for signs that it’s here. I worry about the teenage years and being able to distinguish between grief and normal teenage behavior. I know I am in for a lot of sleepless nights trying to figure it out.

But there’s not much I can do.

Like many other widows and widowers with kids, I’m just waiting for it.

Waiting for the grief to return.