Today, October 5, 2017 I had to force myself to take a day off from running. I have run everyday this week and I usually try not to run more than three days in a row. Why all the running? Because my heart hurts and that’s what I do when my heart hurts…I run.

The definition of empathy is:

the ability to understand and share the feelings of another

When I became a widow, I searched for women who could empathize with me. I had plenty of friends and family who sympathized with me but I needed empathy. What I realized years later, when I started to help new widows, is that it can be really hard on the heart to be empathetic because you don’t just understand it or share it, you feel it deep inside you. You feel that pain all over again.

So, that’s why my heart hurts this week. I feel the pain of all these people who lost someone in Las Vegas. I experienced this pain with Sandy Hook in 2012, the year that Gordie died.   I wrote about it back then and will share it soon on my blog.  But this week I have been unable to stop thinking about the Las Vegas victims’ families.

I don’t pretend to know the exact grief that each of these families is experiencing. Grief is like snowflakes…no two are exactly the same.  But I am able to understand and share some of the feelings that these families are going through. Here is what I understand…what I know.

I know what it’s like to have a policeman tell you that someone you love is now dead.

I know what it’s like to blink when you hear something like that and think you are living someone else’s life.

I know what it’s like to throw away a loved one’s toothbrush, not because the bristles are worn down, but because they will never need it again.

I know what it’s like to explain to a child that we can’t take an airplane to heaven, pick Daddy up and bring him back home.

I know what it’s like to inhale the scent from a pillow that belongs to someone who will never again rest his head upon it.

I know what it’s like to have the police hand you a sealed plastic bag with things your loved one was wearing when they died.

I know what it’s like to take those things out of the bag, hold them in your hand while you stare at them and  then put them in a special box: artifacts you will never get rid of.

I know what it’s like to pack someone’s things carefully, lovingly, into Target totes and put them in the garage to deal with years later.

I know what it’s like to have to pick a coffin out for someone who you just saw a few days ago.

I know what it’s like to cry when you finally move your wedding ring to your right hand.

I know what it’s like to call someone’s cell phone over and over again, just to hear their voice on their greeting.

I know what it’s like to look for someone in the strangest of places…even though you know they are never coming back.

I know what it’s like to sleep on your side of the bed for years even though you can sleep in the middle now.

I know what it’s like to take your kids to a cemetery to wish their Dad a Happy Father’s Day.

I know what it’s like to be terrified of the future.

I know what it’s like to wish desperately to go back in time.

I know what it’s like to have regrets about things said and unsaid.

I know what’s like to be robbed of the chance to say good bye.

I know what it’s like to think you will never, ever survive this grief.

But here is what I also know and what I hope these families will also find out one day.

I know that grief is survivable.

I know that you can dig out from grief, even when you hit rock bottom.

I know that if you allow it, you can be happy again.

I know that if you are open to it, you can love again.

I know that you never stop missing the person but you learn to live with it.

I know that kids can survive the loss of a parent.

I know that you will be a different person after this; likely a better person.

I know that you can come out of this with a new attitude: a love for life and a commitment to take it by the balls.

I know that one day you will stop dreading tomorrow and then start welcoming it.

I look forward to tomorrow. The first thing I am going to do is go for a run.