Today was National Widows Day. I took a day off from running today to give my legs and back a rest and instead, spent 45 minutes on my Spin bike contemplating National Widows Day. What is the purpose of today? On National Donut day, people eat donuts. On National ice cream day, people eat ice cream. Ironically, today is also National Prayer day and on this day people pray.
But what are we all supposed to do on National Widows Day?
As I peddled my indoor bike, I thought about it. Maybe National Widows Day is intended to bring awareness about Widowhood. So, I asked myself “what would I want people to be aware of regarding Widowhood?” Here is what I came up with.
Being a widow is really hard.
Being a widow with young children is really, really hard.
Widows will live the rest of their lives with some amount of sadness. The sadness over losing your husband never goes away. It stops being 24/7 but some days it just catches you completely off guard.
There is a never-ending list of things to worry about when you are a widow. You worry about your kids surviving the loss of the other parent. You worry about being alone for the rest of your life. You worry about getting your kids to two different sports tournaments in the same weekend. You worry about earthquakes in the middle of the night when you are alone in your bed. You worry about running out of money. You worry about dying and your kids becoming orphans. You worry about not being included in social events. You worry about people talking about you. The list goes on and on an on.
Widows feel their kids live with enough pain and will do anything to protect them from further pain.
Widows are really tired.
Widows know they have dark circles under their eyes but they can’t do anything about it.
Widows don’t want anyone’s pity.
Widows have no tolerance for bullshit.
Widows bite their tongues a lot.
Widows tire of asking for help.
Widows are so grateful for help but sometimes forget to say thanks.
Widows love it when people make them laugh.
Widows, on some days, are barely hanging on.
Widows are determined.
Widows are some of the strongest women on the planet. Maybe the strongest.
I often get asked by friends of mine who have a friend who lost their husband, “how can I help her?” In the spirit of National Widows Day and spreading awareness, here is my answer.
Help her plan the funeral.
Help her figure out things like social security.
Help her find outfits for her kids to wear to the funeral.
Help her pack up her husband’s things when she is ready.
Start a meal train if she wants it.
Babysit her kids.
Help her learn how to manage the finances if she did not do it before.
Help her change light bulbs, fix a broken door, or build a bike for her toddler.
Clean her gutters.
Shovel the snow off her walkway.
Take her to get a massage.
Clean her kitchen.
Put some flowers on her front porch…but not white ones. She probably saw the last white flower she ever wants to see at her husband’s funeral.
Check to see if she has even the most random holidays covered for her kids. Leave some St Patrick’s Day stuff on her porch if you are remotely concerned she forgot about it.
Invite her and her kids for dinner.
Invite her to social events, even the couple ones. Let her decide if she wants to go or not.
Don’t tell her it’s going to get better unless you are a widow yourself.
Hike, run, bike, or walk with her. Let her set the mood for talking or silence.
Make her laugh.
Don’t get upset if she misses your birthday, never calls, or does not send a thank you note for something. It’s not personal. She has a lot going on.
Be her friend.
National Widows Day is something I never would have paid attention to six years ago. I’m sure 99% of the population does not even think about it. So, maybe it’s a good thing that May 3rd is recognized at National Widows Day. Maybe awareness of what it’s like and what people can do to help will spread.
Or if not, maybe we should just move National Widows Day to the same day as National Ice Cream day and all Widows can just eat ice cream all day. Or in my case, frozen yogurt.