Planning a Funeral for my 44 year old Husband…are you friggin’ kidding me??

Nov 26th, 2016 Death, Grief, Life, Loss Staci Maher Ball

A wife is in a complete daze following the sudden loss of her husband but she still must make life long, non-reversible decisions such as cremation or burial, open casket or closed, whether or not Nathan should be allowed to see his Dad one last time, Catholic mass or not, reading selections, music selections, pallbearer selection, etc. On my best day, I would struggle with trying to make these decisions and here I was having to make them in a state of shock and sadness that my husband was gone. And every time I was asked to make a decision, all I wanted to say was I don’t want to do this! #funeralprep #lifelongdecisions #iwanttoscream #widow #grief

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My 6 year old son’s realization

Nov 25th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss Staci Maher Ball

Nathan suddenly asked “Am I going to get a new Daddy now?” If my heart was not already completely broken from my own loss, the rest of what was remaining broke at that moment. My six-year old son was already beginning to understand what life would be like without his beloved father who had been not only his primary caregiver but also his idol. #losingyourdad #imissmydad #growingupwithoutadad #kidsgrief #widowwithkids

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Losing my husband and home in less than 24 hours

Nov 19th, 2016 Grief, Kids Grief, Life, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

The morning after my husband died, I realized that I also no longer had a home that was really mine. It was time to move out. We did not own the Estate but it had become our home the past fourteen months. Wyatt had taken his first steps in this house. Nathan and Gordie had played flag football on the back lawn for countless hours. Gordie had taught Wyatt to hit a golf ball off the back porch. We had spent our last Christmas as a family here. Gordie had hid hundreds of eggs around the grounds for our last Easter egg hunt. We had taken so many family walks around the grounds with Wyatt in his push car, Nathan driving his motorized Jimmy Johnson car, and Ralphie running gloriously off leash, all around the enclosed property. The Estate was our home and now it wasn’t. My In-Laws would never have forced us out but we could not live there anymore. Our home had been ripped from us, just like Gordie had been. #losingalmosteverything #grievingandhomeless #intheblinkofaneye #widows

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Meeting Gordie

Nov 18th, 2016 Death, Grief, Life, Loss Staci Maher Ball

I went to bed that night and could not sleep. I had butterflies in my stomach and thought about Gordie all night long. I had never experienced something like this after meeting a guy for the first time. I just had a feeling about him. Brenda, Jane, and I went to Sacramento the next day for the rest of the weekend. I continued to think about Gordie all weekend. Would he call me? #soulmate #meetingmrright #futurehusband #loveatfirstsight

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The Nightmare Continues

Nov 18th, 2016 Grief, Kids Grief, Loss Staci Maher Ball

I just lay there awake all night staring at the ceiling thinking. What the hell had just happened? How could my husband be dead? How could my sons lose their Daddy at such a young age? How did Gordie get into the pool and how was he not able to get out? How was I going to raise these boys on my own? What was I going to tell Nathan in the morning? Where are we going to live? I can’t go back to that place. What if we had stayed in Colorado? This would not have happened. How will I ever go back to work? Who will take care of the boys when I have to go back to work? And the worse thought that made me physically nauseous all through the night…did Gordie suffer? #suddendeath #widowsnightmare

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The Nightmare – Losing my Spouse

Nov 13th, 2016 Death, Grief, Kids Grief, Loss, Running Staci Maher Ball

The drive home from work was beautiful. It was a sunny Friday afternoon in March and I was full of excitement for a great weekend with the boys and Gordie. Tomorrow was the first day of practice for Nathan’s little league team on which Gordie was to be one of the Assistant Coaches. It would be his first time coaching baseball for one of our sons. The weather was suppose to be nice all weekend. I thought maybe we’ll take a walk this weekend, maybe Nathan can even ride his bike while we push Wyatt in his toy car. Maybe we’ll get pizza tonight after Gordie finishes working on his remodeling project at my parents’ house. Maybe we’ll watch one of the episodes of “The Firm” that we had recorded after the boys go to bed. I did not realize that my life was just minutes from changing forever. #running, #grief, #suddendeath, #intheblinkofaneye

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