I sent Nathan with my Mom to my Parents house. He was devastated and confused and I needed to get him out of this horrible scene. My Mom wanted to take Wyatt but every time I tried to hand him to her, he started to cry. He did not understand what was going on but he sensed something was terribly wrong and he wanted his Mommy. I decided to keep him with me. My Sister-in-Law was there and Wyatt liked her so she could help me with him.
The Sergeant told me he had to interview me. He put a tape recorder on our kitchen table and asked me to tell him what happened from the moment I came home from work until now. I told him everything. He asked questions about Gordie, Gordie’s state of mind, and Gordie’s physical health. Did he have heart problems? Did he normally jog? He asked about Gordie’s friends, what Gordie had done all week and if Gordie had any enemies. Could I think of anyone that might want to hurt us? Was anything in the house missing? Questions, questions and more questions. My brain was spinning but I answered all of them. He asked for Gordie’s social security number and Driver’s License number. I went and found both of them. He asked for Gordie’s cell phone. I gave him both of Gordie’s cell phone. He asked about Gordie’s email accounts. I gave him the information.
At one point during the interview, my Father in Law came in and asked if he could see Gordie before they took him away. The Sergeant said yes and then asked if I wanted to see Gordie. I just sat there.
“I’m not sure”, I said.
“That’s OK. The Coroner is not ready yet so you can think about it”, the Sergeant said.
The Coroner. I could not believe I had just heard those words.
A little while later the Sergeant said the Coroner was ready for whoever wanted to see Gordie. I looked out those big picture windows to the back yard and they were wheeling a gurney across the patio. It looked like a mummy was on the gurney. Gordie was wrapped in what seemed like tons of white sheets.
I decided that I need to see him. My Father in Law, Mother in Law and Brother in Law followed me down the back steps.
The Coroner folded back the white sheets around Gordie’s face. I could barely see his forehead but I could see his face including his ever-present goatee. His eyes were mostly open. I looked into those eyes that I had looked into a million times. Gordie had incredible eyes. They had this very unique color pattern: hazel brown with gold specks. And he had the longest eyelashes I had ever seen on a person: man or woman. I could not see the gold specks because of the darkness. But I could see the hazel in the moonlight and could see those wonderfully long eyelashes that both of my sons inherited. I asked the Coroner if I could touch Gordie’s face. He said yes. I touched his cheek and was surprised that it was so cold. That’s one of the things I remember the most: he was so cold and I was worried that he was cold until I remembered that he was not there anymore.
I said “I love you…I love you…I love you”. Over and over.
And then I kissed his cheek. I could have stayed there all night. I just wanted to be with him. I actually wanted to scream “Wake Up!” “Come Back”!! But the next thing I knew, they were rolling him away. I went inside and don’t remember what happened next. At some point during the evening Gordie’s Step Mother helped me pack a few things for me and the boys so that we could sleep at my parents house. Somehow I had the ability to throw the essentials into a bag: jammies, toothbrushes, my glasses, the boys’ stuffed animals, clothes for tomorrow, and a bottle for Wyatt.
Then I just wanted to go. My Dad would drive Wyatt, Ralphie and me in my car to my parents’ house. Ann, who managed the Estate for my in-laws, had arrived at some point during the evening so I asked her and my Father in Law if they could lock up the Estate so that I could go.
Ann said “of course, just go honey”.
My Dad helped me put Wyatt, Ralphie, and our things into my car. We drove slowly down the driveway and out of the gate. I was in shock.
I remember saying “I can’t believe this” over and over and over. And then asking my Dad “how am I going to get through this?”
He said “I don’t know but you will and everyone will help you”.
I walked into my parents’ house. Nathan was lying on the couch in my Mom’s arms. He looked lost. I gave Wyatt to my Mom and reached out to Nathan.
He cried and said “why did Daddy die?”
I don’t remember if he even knew at that point that Gordie had been found in the pool.
I just kept saying “God decided that he needed Daddy to be in Heaven”.
Nathan wanted to sleep with me that night. So I put both boys into the queen bed in my room at my parents’ house. Somehow I was able to get my own jammies on and I think I even brushed my teeth. I went and lay down next to the boys. Nathan was crying. Wyatt had no idea what was going on and he was tired. Finally Nathan cried himself to sleep.
But I just lay there awake all night staring at the ceiling thinking…
What the hell had just happened?
How could my husband be dead?
How could my sons lose their Daddy at such a young age?
How did Gordie get into the pool and how was he not able to get out?
How was I going to raise these boys on my own?
What was I going to tell Nathan in the morning?
Where are we going to live? I can’t go back to that place.
What if we had stayed in Colorado? This would not have happened.
How will I ever go back to work?
Who will take care of the boys when I have to go back to work?
And the worse thought that made me physically nauseous all through the night…
Did Gordie suffer?