How one woman used #running to help survive the loss of her husband and raise two boys on her own.
For the first several weeks after Gordie died, I left his beloved F-150 truck at the Estate. After a few weeks, I needed the truck to get some bigger items, like Nathan’s bike, from the Estate to my parents’ house. So, I had my Dad drive me to the Estate one afternoon after work so that I could get some stuff and the truck. What I didn’t expect was pop tarts and starbursts. #poptarts, #starbursts, #kidsgrief, #running, #grief, #Ford, #F150
One rainy day at the end of March, there was a message on my voicemail from the Sergeant in charge of the investigation into Gordie’s death. Suicide had been ruled out but there was otherwise no clue on how Gordie had fallen into the pool and died. He would like to send in the divers.
Having your husband die in the town where both of you grew up has its upside and downside. The upside is that if your friends and family still live there, you have the platinum level support system. The downside is that a lot of people know you, know your husband, and know both of your families. It quickly became widely known that the cause of Gordie’s death was a mystery. And the rumor mill started. Immediately. #gossip #Danville #raybanaviators #rumorhasit
Here I was, a widow desperately in the mood, and desperately wanting my husband, and there was nothing I could do about it. It was beyond ironic. My advice to people is don’t brush off your significant other too much. Don’t think you can always have sex tomorrow night. Because sadly, I learned that there is not always a tomorrow. #fiftyshadesofgrey #nottonight
I drove to the Mortuary with a slightly sick feeling in my stomach. The Director had my four urns on his desk. My beautiful cousin had created the most incredible urns for us. There was one big one with a Raiders logo on it. The second urn contained the other half of his ashes and was a disposable one so that we could scatter them in a place with special meaning. The other two urns were tiny little replicas of the big Raiders urn…one for each of my sons. #memorialgallery.com #urns #Raiders #grief #buryingmyhusband
It sounds ridiculous but I wanted to stay living in a year in which my husband actually lived. Moving into a new year felt like moving on and I was not ready to move on. #newyearseve #notreadytomoveon #grief
I have strategically created a balance of traditions that are a mix of traditions BGD (before Gordie’s death) and traditions AGD (after Gordie’s death). Even though I felt like clinging to the past in that first Christmas of our new life, I felt it was important to create some new traditions to help my sons and me move forward. Five years in, my sons look forward to the old and the new traditions. #Christmastraditions #Christmasafterloss #Choosetocontinue #Helpmykidsmoveforward #Christmassucks
In the week following Gordie’s funeral the thought of returning to work caused me significant stress for many reasons. First, I was terrified I would not be able to control my emotions and that I would embarrass myself at work. Second, I was worried that I would not be able to function and perform my job at the level I was accustomed to. Third, I was a ticking time bomb with the anger that raged inside my body. What if I totally lost it? Fourth, would people quietly talk about what had happened to me as I left meetings or as I passed by them in the halls? Finally, I was scared shitless about how I would manage being a solo parent while working full time in a demanding job, at a demanding company. That last fear was, at times, absolutely paralyzing. #Cloroxcompany #backtowork #workingwidows #thewidowsbalance
One week after Gordie died, Nathan told me he wanted to go back to school. I helped him get dressed, fed him breakfast and drove him to school. We walked toward his friends who called out his name, ran over and gathered around him. I looked at Nathan’s face. He looked happy. It was the first time I had seen a happy look on his face since this nightmare started. The tears started rolling down my cheeks. #backtoschool #mystronglittleboy #grievingchildren #friendsmakeitbetter #firstgradecondolences
When you experience a significant loss or something traumatic, the only time you truly get away from it is when you are sleeping. The problem with sleeping is that you wake up. And when you wake up each morning you have this blissful, sleepy, not yet awake, 10-second period where you think you are living your old life. You forget the bad thing that happened, you forget that your life was completely hijacked, you forget that you are living a nightmare. It was the best 10 seconds of my day for years. But then, the sleepiness goes away, you fully wake up and the reality of recent events and the life you are now living comes crashing down like a rock slide. And it happens every…fucking…day.
