“Hey Girl”, Jane said as I answered my phone.

“Hi”, I replied.

“How did you sleep last night?” she asked.

“OK.  The pills are helping.  I need a book to read before I go to sleep though…something to help me escape from this nightmare”, I said.

“OK.  Let’s get you a book.  What do you feel like reading?” Jane asked.

“Nothing happy.  No happy romances.  No books about incredible dreams coming true.  None of that shit” I said.

Jane laughed.  “I think I might have the perfect book for you.  Have you heard about the 50 Shades of Grey series?” she asked.

“Nope.  What’s that?” I asked.

“It’s about a romance but it’s seriously twisted.  I think you will love it since you’ve always liked twisted stuff.  I am on the second one and I can barely put it down”, she said.

“I don’t want to read about a happy romance”, I said.

“Trust me…you will like this and it will help you escape”, Jane said.

“OK.  Thanks Girl.”

I downloaded the book that night while the boys were eating dinner.  After I put them to bed, I did my typical night routine which was a combination of my compulsively weird Inernet searches on proof of Heaven and the afternlife, some work for Clorox, and some work on closing out Gordie’s life.  It was 10:30pm and time for me to go to bed.  I got ready for bed, got under the covers, grabbed my iPad and started reading 50 Shades of Grey.

I read for over an hour.  I could not put the thing down.  I had to force myself to put my iPad on my bedstand and turn out my light just before midnight.  I could have read all night.

The next night, and the next night, and the nights after that, I could not wait to get into bed and start reading again.  Jane was right.  This book was the perfect escape from my broken life.  Yes, it was about a romance but it was so fucked up that it completely stopped me from thinking about my own fucked up life.  I loved it….except for one thing.

The book got me totally turned on sexually.  Yep, I am saying it.  Reading about all that crazy sex stuff made me totally hot and the most fucked up thing was that there was nothing I could do about it.  Each night after reading 50 Shades, I would lie in my bed cursing myself for every night where I had given Gordie the brush off.  Just like so many relationships, there were nights during our marriage where I was just too tired, or did not feel good about my body, or was annoyed at him, or where I had to get up early the next morning, so I would say “Not tonight, tomorrow night.”.  And now here I was a widow and desperately in the mood and desperately wanting my husband.  It was beyond ironic.  To this day my advice to people is don’t brush off your significant other too much.  Don’t think you can always have sex tomorrow night.  Because sadly, I learned that there is not always a tomorrow.

I finished all three 50 Shades books in record time.  To this day I am so thankful to Jane for suggesting the series to me.  I am also so thankful to the author for writing them.  She gave me hours of escape where I would get lost in Christian and Anastasia’s bat shit crazy relationship, miles away from my painful reality.

One particular night after reading 50 Shades, turning out the light, and lying in my bed totally turned on, I am certain I heard Gordie whisper in my ear…

“Unfucking believable that you are reading these books when I am no longer here to reap the benefits.”

I actually laughed out loud.