Today is National Widow’s Day 2019. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m not sure what the desired outcome is for having a National Widow’s Day. Perhaps it’s for people to stop and think about and pray for a Widow they know. I personally appreciate all the prayers that people offer up for me. Perhaps, it’s to just recognize a group of people who struggle every day. Perhaps someone thought that if there is a National Ice Cream Day and National Hamburger day, we should have a National Widow’s Day.
I’ve been thinking all week about what I should post on this National Widow’s Day and the answer came to me on a run. I’m going to write about the Widow Come Back.
On Easter Sunday, my Pastor preached about Come Backs. It was a very powerful talk. He mentioned some recent Come Backs (including Tiger Woods) but, as you might guess, the intention of his talk was the Greatest Come Back of all time…Jesus Christ.
Our Pastor is an amazing Preacher. He draws me in through his stories and his ability to break down scripture into words that I can understand…something I always struggled with in Catholic masses. I was even more engaged in his Easter Come Back talk but at the time I was unsure why.
Several days later, it hit me. I have my own Come Back story. My sons have their own Come Back story. Every Widow has her own Come Back story. Our stories are not as great as Jesus’ Come Back story but they are pretty damn impressive.
As a Widow I have had to come back emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, and also help my sons come back emotionally. I have always known there are multiple facets of grief, but I never realized, until pondering my Pastor’s Easter speech, how many areas from which I had to come back. Putting it down on paper makes me wonder, how did I do it? That’s a lot of work!!
Yes it was. And it continues to be work. Just like I am not done grieving my husband, I am not done coming back. But I have made huge strides.
Emotionally, I clawed my way from wanting to commit suicide shortly after my husband’s death to feeling lucky to be alive. I went from making myself feel absolutely nothing for years to letting myself feel happy, love, and blessed. Over seven years later, I still have bad days. I still struggle. I still wish for an easier life. I still wish for my old life. But I don’t get stuck there anymore. I process those feelings, I literally run them into the pavement or the treadmill and then I move forward. I know that I am lucky to be alive. I know that even though I lead a very challenging life with two active boys and just one of me , I am lucky to be here. When I have to choose which of my son’s games I am going to attend when they are at the same exact time and in two different cities (sometimes two different states), I remind myself that my late husband would kill to watch one of his son’s games. When I am yelling at my boys’ to help me around the house and with the dog, I remind myself that Gordie would kill to be in our messy house with a dog who desperately needs a walk. I am sure Heaven is wonderful but I know how lucky I am to be here with our sons when Gordie cannot be. I have come back emotionally.
Physically I have come back. I no longer feel like I am going to vomit every time someone mentions my husband’s death or when I have to explain that I don’t have a husband or when I fill out a form and write “deceased” on the second parent line. I no longer have visions of my husband floating in a pool, which I actually never saw but had panoramic visions of for months. I no longer have panic attacks when I hear helicopters flying overhead (a helicopter was sent to our home when he was missing before they found him). I am still physically exhausted all the time. I still have anger that pulses through my body. But I have learned to deal with the exhaustion and I know how to run the rage out on the road.
Spiritually I am still coming back. After Gordie died, I nearly stopped believing in God. I could not imagine a God who would leave two little boys without their fantastic Dad. I could not imagine a God who would do this to me. I could not imagine a God who would make my life so, so difficult. As I have written before, I was raised Catholic and I am raising my sons a mix of Catholic and Presbyterian. Although I nearly stopped believing in God, I spent much of the first year following Gordie’s death looking for signs of God and Heaven because I was so desperately searching for confirmation that I would see Gordie again in Heaven. I’ve written about the signs I received. There were lights going on and off, Gordie’s look-a-like at a construction site in San Francisco when I was stuck in traffic, and a cross made from clouds shooting up from the mountain in my neighborhood. All of those signs helped me find my faith again. My incredible support system also helped me find my faith again. My sons, who attend a faith based school, helped me find my faith again. Although I am still not a good Catholic, and do not attend either a Catholic or Presbyterian church regularly, I believe in God and I try to live a Godly life. I believe that I will indeed see Gordie when it’s my time and although I hope it’s not for a good 40 years, I look forward to him saying “Hey” when I walk through those gates.
My financial come back is not a storybook comeback. I am lucky in that I always worked and was actually the primary breadwinner when my husband was alive. I work for a great company, The Clorox Company, and work my tail off to keep my job. However, I am and will always be the only income in my house in an area that is one of the most expensive places to live in the United States. On top of that, there were new expenses that came with being a Widow. With Gordie’s death, I had to hire a full time Nanny. I pay a lot of money for things that I can’t do that he used to do. I also pay a lot of money for “just in case stuff” like life insurance for my kids should anything happen to me. I worry about money every day. I don’t like being the only one who can put food on the table or a roof over my sons’ heads. I don’t like agonizing over whether I should buy a new car yet or wait just in case something unexpected happens. I don’t like wondering how long I can keep the pace required to work a full time job like the one I have and be the kind of Mom that I want to be. However, I have kept things going for seven years on my own. I am not rich but I am not poor. I have been able to keep my sons in private school. I have been able to pay for their crazy competitive, travel sports. I have been able to pay for vacations that have provided them memories for their lifetimes. I have been able to pay for baseball lessons since they do not have a Dad who can teach them to pitch or who can take them out for practice. So, unlike many Widows who have truly had to come back from stressful financial circumstances, I have not had to come back from debt or zero but it’s still been tough. My comeback has been more about finding peace in being the only provider in my household, not having a back-up income in the household, working myself to total fatigue, and about learning to deal with financial stress. I am not all the way to bright on this but I am damn proud of making it financially for seven years.
When you become a Widow with children, you face not only dealing with your own grief, you also face helping your children deal with their grief. For many of us, our children’s grief is more important than our own grief. Seven years ago when my husband died, my biggest concern was my sons and if losing their Dad would have a devastating impact on them for the rest of their lives. Seven years later I can only say this: yes, losing their Dad will impact their lives forever, but it will not be devastating. Whereas my sons each have their individual issues over losing their Dad, they are very happy, well adjusted, life loving, God loving boys. My older son, who was nearly seven when his Dad died, misses his Dad terribly. He treasures his memories of his Dad. My younger son, who was two, does not remember his Dad and desperately wishes he did and that he knew what it was like to have a Dad. But they do not let their sadness and grief take over their lives. They are open about their feelings, they feel their feelings, and they move forward. They wish for different circumstances but do not wish for different lives. They have demonstrated the greatest comeback of any of us. They will continue to grieve throughout their lives, and very well may experience set-backs, but having watched them for seven years, I know they will come back from any set-backs that occur.
Being a Widow is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. It is the most horrible thing I have ever experienced, next to hearing the words out of the Sheriff’s mouth when he told me my husband was dead. I have met so many Widows in my seven years of Widowhood and for them too, it’s very, very difficult for them. But like me, many of them have made tremendous come backs.
Many widows who read this might in their first year or even their first month of grief. My advice to you: it’s too early for your comeback. But if you are committed, you will get there. It’s a slow, horrible process in which you will encounter many set backs and often want to quit. Don’t quit. Just keep getting up every day. Find help whether that’s a therapist, friends, family or all of the above. Take one day at a time. Find an outlet for your grief. Running was and continues to be my outlet. Find help for your kids if they are old enough. And when you want to quit, don’t. Keep fighting. Keep reaching for the Come Back.