I did not sleep the night of the Visitation. At 5am, I gave up trying and got up. Trish was already up. We started running through details and checklists for the funeral. Later we fed the boys breakfast and dressed them for the funeral. They looked like they were going to a wedding.
I put on a black dress that I had owned for over a year. The thought crossed my mind that when I bought it, I certainly did not think I would be wearing it to my husband’s funeral. I went into the bathroom and stared at my face again. It looked even older and more ghost-like than it had the night before. I applied some make up. I combed my hair. I was getting up in front of everyone today to eulogize my husband. I did not want to look like an 80-year old widow.
Why is not looking old such a big deal to me?
I heard my Dad helping Nathan practice his speech down the hallway. Nathan had asked to speak at Gordie’s funeral a few days before. My Dad had worked with him on what he wanted to say and had typed it up. Luckily Nathan was an excellent reader .
It was time to go. My parents took one car and Trish, the boys and me took my car. We drove into the church parking lot. Even though we were early, people had already started to arrive. The parking lot was pretty full. I wondered how many people would be coming. Never in a million years did I expect the turn out that followed. Trish, the boys and I walked into the church. There were big picture collages, that my friends made (that I still have to this day), in the entry way. There was a big picture of Gordie smiling at me. Someone handed me a beautiful program that my friends had made, in addition to the one that the church had made.
We entered the main room of the Church. I could see everyone trying not to look at us stealing peeks. I can only imagine how sad we looked as I carried Wyatt and held Nathan’s hand walking down the aisle to the front of the church. We took our seats in front. The service started. The Pallbearers brought Gordie’s casket to the front of the Church. Again, I was hit with the similarity to our wedding. The pallbearers were the same guys who were Gordie’s Groomsmen at our wedding. Only unlike our wedding, I was desperately trying not to throw up. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe through my nose. The thought hit me what would everyone do if I puked right here and now?
I looked in another direction and saw Gordie’s Dad standing at the front of the church. He broke down in tears. Gordie’s Mom was near him and reached up to hug him. Holy shit, I thought. My in –laws had been divorced for a very long time and that’s not something I thought I would ever see. If Gordie was there, he was also saying “holy shit”.
I looked back before the ceremony and nearly fell out of my seat. The place was packed. It was standing room only. Later someone told me that there were more than 450 people in attendance. Gordie would have been shocked. Absolutely shocked.
I really remember very little about the actual service. I know the Priest did a great job but I could not tell you anything about it. I just sat there and looked at the coffin and wondered when I was going to wake up from this nightmare. It then came time for the eulogies. Pat, Gordie’s brother, went first. I don’t remember much of it. My friends told me months and years later that he said he would help raise Gordie’s sons. Then it was Nathan’s turn. I grabbed his hand and walked him up to the alter and helped him get on the stool. I walked back down the steps and took my seat. I looked up and my heart stopped. My 6 year old, 1st grade son, was in front of 450 people about to speak about losing his Dad.
Tears rolled down my face. Nathan was so incredible. He read his speech without hesitation and without tears. He looked up and made eye contact with the audience. He spoke clearly and articulately.
When he was done, I walked back up to the alter , helped him down, squatted in front of him, gave him a kiss and whispered in his ear “you were so good…Daddy is looking down from heaven so proud”.
I walked him back to his seat, turned around, and headed back up to the alter. I turned and faced the audience and took a deep breath.
“In 2001, Gordie and I sadly attended a funeral for someone who died in the World Trade Center and the eulogy for him was about his Loves. Gordie and I were so moved by that eulogy so I am borrowing that theme today. Here are Gordie’s Loves.
I proceeded to walk everyone through Gordie’s loves including sports, the Raiders, baseball hats, his friends from De La Salle, our dog Ralphie, his family, and his sons. As I talked, I look around the audience. I saw people from all parts of my life. I saw my parents’ friends who had watched me grow up. I saw our friends from high school. I was surprised to see two of my closest friends from UCLA who lived in Atherton and San Diego. I saw a long term business colleague who had become a friend…he drove overnight from Boise to be there. I saw a row of people from Clorox, the company where I worked. I was touched…I had only worked at Clorox for one year. I saw parents and administrators from Nathan’s school. Again, I was touched…we had only been at the school for about 14 months.
The crazy thing is that I saw all of these people but then I forgot immediately after the funeral. I think, emotionally, I had to block the funeral from my mind as soon as it was over. It would be weeks and months later when I would have a flashback of someone’s face in the audience and I would contact them and ask “were you there? I am so sorry I did not thank you for coming before now”. Luckily people are very understanding when your world has been pulled out from under you.
My eulogy ended like this: “Gordie, thank you being in my life for more than 15 years and for giving me the greatest gifts: Nathan and Wyatt. I love you and I will miss you forever. “
I finished my speech and took another big breath. I got through it. Did I cry during it? Yes, a little bit but not in a sobbing embarrassing way at which Gordie would have been rolling his eyes. I gathered my speech and walked back down the steps and sat down. Behind me, my friends whispered good job. I don’t remember anything else about the actual service.
When it was over Nathan and I followed the casket outside. Wyatt was already outside with his Nanny; he had gotten squirrely during the service. Wyatt’s very part time had been so helpful the past few days and she had asked me if she could take care of Wyatt and Nathan at the funeral and reception so that my parents and I did not have to worry about them. She would not even let me pay her for those hours. Soon everyone else poured outside. I took Wyatt from his Nanny, held Nathan’s hand and walked over to the hearse and watched as the funeral home people loaded Gordie’s casket into the hearse. This was it. This was the last time that I would see Gordie’s casket. His body would be burned the following day. I felt like I was going to throw up right then and there. I stood there with my sunglasses on staring at that hearse. The Funeral Director was watching me, waiting for a signal that it was ok for him to drive Gordie away. I continued to stand there holding my two year old son in one arm and holding my six year old’s son with my other hand.
I needed more time. I wanted to scream “No!!! Do not take him!!!”.
I could feel most people at the funeral watching us. I took a final look at the casket in the back and then nodded at the Funeral Director. He closed the back and then walked to the driver’s side and climbed in. He started the car. I started to feel panicked. Gordie was leaving. Forever. I watched the hearse drive away as huge tears fell from my face, splashing on to the pavement. I looked down. My tears were so big, they left wet marks on the pavement, like raindrops.
“Good Bye Suggs”, I whispered.