Ironically the day before a funeral is not unlike the day before a wedding. The only difference is that you are overwhelmed with a sense of dread vs a sense of excitement. Funeral prep the day before is spent doing the same shit that you do before a wedding: making sure everyone’s outfits are ready, making sure the guest book has been purchased and has a pen to go with it, making sure the music is ready, making sure transportation for the family is set up, making sure the your make up is ready so that you don’t look like crap. Again, my friends and family got it all done. Outfits for the boys suddenly appeared. Liz, my sister-in-Law, showed up with choices for a guestbook. One of my best friends from Colorado, Trish, had arrived and was staying at my parents’ house to help me. She helped me pick my outfits for that night’s Visitation and the next day’s Funeral.
Two days earlier my Brenda, Stacy, and Jane took me to get my roots colored after I told Jane “I don’t want to look like an old Widow”. I don’t know why but this was so important to me. I just did not want to look old. Every time I looked in the mirror I could not believe the old, haggard face starting back at me. Maybe coloring my hair would help.
I did not eat the entire day before the funeral. In fact, it was taking everything I had not to throw up.
That evening I dressed in the same outfit that I wore to my interview at The Clorox Company: a black pants-suit with a colorful short sleeve shirt. My pants hung on me after days of a smoothie diet. I carefully applied some make up to cover up the dark circles under my eyes. I studied myself in the mirror. I looked like I had aged two years in less than a week.
My Mom and Trish helped me get the boys dressed. We took two cars: my parents’ and mine. Trish helped me pack the items I wanted to put around Gordie’s coffin: his high school letterman jacket, his cowboy boots, his tool belt (with tools still in it), and a bunch of pictures.
Trish and I left a little early so that we could set up the room and so that I could see Gordie one last time. The coffin would be closed during the visitation but Gordie’s Dad and I wanted to see Gordie one more time before the coffin was closed permanently. My parents would come later with the boys. I drove. As I parked my car right in front of the mortuary and turned it off, I felt a wave of nausea. I put my head on the steering wheel and told Trish “I am going to throw up”. And then I started to cry. She turned the car back on and rolled down the windows and put her hand on my back.
“Just breathe” she said. After a few minutes, I pulled it together. We carried all the stuff into the mortuary.
The Mortuary Director was waiting for me. “The room is ready Staci, do you want to go in and see Gordie?”
Ugh. I had not seen Gordie since he was rolled out of the Estate that awful night. He had recently had an autopsy. What was I getting myself into? I nodded and followed the Director into the room.
He stopped at the entrance to the room and told me “take as much time as you want and let me know if you need anything.” I nodded again and whispered “thanks.”
The coffin was in the front of the room, open. I could not see Gordie from where I was standing in the back. I slowly crept to the front. I reached the coffin, looked in, and my heart nearly stopped.
Who the fuck is this? I thought. Seriously…who the hell is in this coffin?
I peered in closer. The person in the coffin was wearing the clothes that Gordie’s Mom and I had picked out days before. He was wearing Gordie’s shoes. He had a goatee like Gordie but he did not look like Gordie. I sat there for a few minutes just staring at him. I put my hand on his chest…it made a sound like when you touch plastic. What the fuck????
I turned around and walked out of the room and told Trish to find the Director and have him come into the room to talk to me.
The Director entered a minute later and walked up next to me.
I actually asked him “is that Gordie? It does not look like him”.
I’m sure the Director thought I was certifiably nuts. He looked at Gordie and then looked at me and said, “when an autopsy is done, it leaves a lot of markings that need to be covered up. We did not do the embalming or the make up here but that’s why he looks so different. I can tell they used quite a bit of make up”.
I could only nod in response. I’m sure I looked even more dazed than I had the past few days. The Director quietly left the room.
I continued to stare at Gordie. I then started to touch him…his face, his hands, his chest, his face again. I bent down and tried to hug him. He was so stiff and that plastic like sound came again as I touched his chest. He kind of felt like a mannequin. I started talking to him.
“I can’t believe this Gordie. What the hell happened? How can you be dead? How am I supposed to live without you? How could this happen to the boys? I miss you so much already. I can’t do this without you. I am not going to make it. Please come back. Please come back. Please come back.”
I could not speak anymore. I just stood there and sobbed next to a coffin with a man in it who really did not look like my husband. I could not bring myself to leave because I knew it would be the last time that I would ever see my husband. I touched his hand and his cheek one more time. I kissed his face more times than I can count. I choked out the words “Bye Suggs”, my joke pet name for him that had become a habit over the years, and turned and walked out.
I went out to the hallway. Gordie’s Dad was there and wanted to see Gordie before the coffin was shut. He went into the room and when he came out, I found the Director and said, “close the coffin please”. Gordie’s Mom and brother wanted to have some time with him but with the coffin shut.
The rest of the night went by like a blur. I remember so many of the same people who attended our wedding coming into the room and hugging me. I remember Wyatt running around like a 2 year old at a park…clearly clueless to the fact that he was attending his Dad’s visitation. I remember Nathan looking stunned and hanging out with my Cousin’s son. I remember lots of appetizers and desserts brought by friends but not eating anything. I remember my Boss hugging me and looking as stunned as I felt. I remember hearing the music that Greg and I had so carefully selected. I remember my parents asking me if I thought it was time for them to take the boys home and me nodding in agreement. And soon thereafter, it was over. Some of our friends were still there to help me and make sure I got home. Some of them were probably concerned that I would try to sleep next to the coffin. I would have if I could. Trish and some others helped me pack up the Varsity jacket, his cowboy boots, the pictures, and the tool belt. They carried out to the car. I put my hand on his coffin before I walked out.
My friends told me that people were going to Norm’s to celebrate Gordie and asked if I wanted to go. I said no. I was done. I needed to go home.
Trish and I got in the car and just sat there for a minute. Then I whispered, “I’m hungry.” I had not eaten all day.
“OK”, Trish said “is there somewhere we can grab something?”
I looked at the clock in my car; it was nearly 10pm. “Everything is closed but there is a Burger King across the street”, I said.
“Great, let’s go”, said Trish.
I don’t even like Burger King but we went through the drive through and then took the food back to my parents. We sat at the table eating burgers and French fries and it tasted so good. I was just so hungry. My kids were already sleeping so I did not have to do anything or take care of anyone. I was able to just sit there and eat with Trish.
When we finished, I looked at her and said, “I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe I just saw Gordie for the last time”.
“I know Stace”, she said, “I know”.
As I climbed into bed that night, I whispered, “please come back” over and over.
“Please come back” would be the most used words when I talked to Gordie for days, months, and years to come.