If I had not met my late husband, Gordie, in San Francisco in 1996, I would not have married him in 2001.

If I had not married him in 2001, I would not have been widowed in 2012.

If I had not been widowed in 2012, I would likely still be married.

If I were still married, I would not have spent the past seven Christmases as a widow with young kids.

If I were not a widow, I would have lots of help with everything Christmas.

Like picking out a tree.

And moving the tree in its stand at any moment when I think it is crooked.

I would have someone else other than a teenager to help me put the lights on the tree.

And someone to put the star on top so it’s not tilted.

If I were not a solo parent at Christmas, I would have someone to help with all the gift shopping.

And someone to help with the endless wrapping.

If I were not a widow at Christmas time, I would have someone to help hide the elf.

Actually someone else in the house to help remember to hide the elf.

If I were not a widow at Christmas time, there would be someone to help with the last week before winter break craziness.

And someone else to argue with my high-schooler about effective study techniques.

If I were not a widow at Christmas, I would be sitting next to my son’s father at the school Christmas musical, trading smiles of pride with him.

And after, we would go out to dinner or ice cream as a family.

If I were not a widow at Christmas, there would not be these annoying moments of sadness that jump out at me unexpected.

Like when I find Gordie’s stocking in the holiday decoration bins.

Or the ornament we got in Boston at the end of our honeymoon.

If I were not a widow at Christmas, I would have a spouse to help me late at night on Christmas Eve.

When there is more wrapping and more sneaking around to finish the final preparations for a magical Christmas morning in a house where Santa is still real.

If I were not a widow at Christmas, I would still be able to watch Gordie watch A Christmas Story

And laugh like he had not already seen it 200 times.

If I were not a widow at Christmas, on Christmas night, after a long, magical and exhausting day, I would still be able to lie next to him in our bed and watch one last Christmas movie.

If I were not a widow at Christmas, I would not still be crying in the shower every now and then during the month of December.

But.

If I had not met Gordie in 1996 and married him in 2001, our sons would not have been born.

And the world would be a lesser place without my sons in it.

And my life would be incomplete.

And the thought of that makes me one thousand times more sad than being a Widow.

 

Inspired by one of my favorite children’s books If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura Numeroff

Merry Christmas.  -SB