Just over two weeks ago, my sons and I welcomed a new member to our family, a beautiful white lab named Aspen. We named her Aspen as a nod to my late husband who lived briefly in Aspen, Colorado and loved that town.  Her name is also a nod to the fact that my sons were born in Colorado.  Aspen came to us as a “started puppy” meaning she had been crate trained, housebroken, and good citizen trained.

But her arrival has been tough for me and has put me back into my Widow’s funk.

Aspen was trained but she’s still a puppy and when any dog comes into a new home, they have to acclimate.  I forgot just how much work puppies require.  The last time I had a puppy was 18 years ago when Gordie and I brought Ralphie, our first “child” home.  Gordie and I shared puppy responsibility.  We shared cleaning up after Ralphie’s accidents.  We shared puppy proofing the house.  We shared moving anything and everything that he might chew.  We shared puppy proofing the yard.  We shared following him around the yard taking sticks, rocks, and plants out of his mouth.  We shared the discipline.  We shared the early mornings.  We shared trailing Ralphie around the house saying “leave it” when he would try to chew the furniture, the baseboards, shoes, etc.

Gordie is not here this time and as much as my sons are trying to be helpful, I’m on my own getting through puppy-ville.  It’s exhausting.  It’s frustrating.  It’s lonely.  A widow raising children already has too much on her plate.   Bring a puppy into the mix and the plate is broken.  On top of that Aspen came to us with giardia and it’s still not gone.  In addition to dealing with chewing, damage to my house, and damage to my yard, I am also dealing with a major level of disgustingness when it comes to her number twos.  Oh yeah, and did I mention that she vomits every time she goes in the car?  Nearly every day I wonder “did I make a mistake?”

But my sons are happy.  They were so sad when we sent Ralphie to heaven in March.  After they were so understanding that Mommy needed to grieve the loss of Ralphie and not be harassed about getting a new dog.  They just silently prayed that we would get a new dog soon.

Then one night, I was researching dogs and the next thing I knew, we were sent a picture of Aspen.  It took less than two weeks and we had committed to bringing Aspen home.  It went very quickly.  Her pick up day was a Monday during school.  The week before Wyatt begged me to let him miss school so that he could go with me, 90 miles away, to get his new puppy.  I am a stickler about not missing school but I finally relented.  All the way down to the breeder, he sat in his booster seat with his hands folded in his lap saying “I’m so excited Mommy.”  When we pulled up into our driveway with Aspen, Nathan was waiting on the porch.  They were beyond excited that entire evening.

Yesterday morning Wyatt raced through all of his morning tasks and chores so that he could play with Aspen before we left for school.  As I was putting the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher, I looked out the window and saw Wyatt in the backyard with Aspen.  He was working on her training, getting her to sit and lie down.  When she performed the task that he wanted her to, he would say “Good Guurrlll” in a sweet little high voice, the voice that he always uses when he praises Aspen.  After he praised her, he would then throw his arms around her neck and give her a big hug.  I could not help but smile.  It was such a sweet scene.

There have been  many sweet scenes like that since we brought Aspen home.  Those scenes are what give me hope and strength when I am at the end of my rope, like when I walked outside tonight after work and saw that she’s been digging up the lawn in the backyard.  They are what gives me hope and strength when I catch her ripping a hole in the carpet in my bedroom.  They are what gave me hope and strength when she pooped inside the house on the 2nd and 3rd day we had her…even though I paid thousands of dollars for a housebroken dog.  Although I will admit we have not had any other accidents since Day 3.

What these sweet scenes give me most though is determination.  I am determined to get through Puppy-Ville, to making Aspen work for our family, because she brings so much joy to my sons.  My husband was a huge dog lover.  In fact, he also had a beautiful white lab when he was a boy, a dog named Boo.  Sadly, Boo was hit by a car and died.  I still remember Gordie telling me the story of Boo being hit by a car and how sad he still was telling me that story.  I’ve told my boys about Boo, about how much their Dad loved him, and also about how sad their Dad was when Boo died.  They love the story about Boo, except the dying part of course.  It makes them feel closer to the Dad with whom they did not get to spend enough time.  It makes them feel a connection to their Dad because they now have a beautiful white lab just like he did.

So even though I am exhausted, even though I have had enough of poop, even though I wish I had my husband here to help me through all of the chaos that comes with a puppy, I am determined.  I can do this.  Puppy-ville will come to an end just like it did with Ralphie.  Until then I am not going to quit.

As much happiness as Aspen brings to my boys, and admittedly me at times, her arrival has also been a bitter reminder that I am alone.  The past two weeks have shone a light on the fact that I am raising two boys, and now a puppy, on my own.  It’s just me.  I don’t have a partner anymore.  I never really forget this but sometimes I can ignore it.  However, in this time of Puppy-Ville, I can’t ignore it.  And when a light shines on something, it usually illuminates other things too.  I’ve been reminded that my sons are also without a Dad.  Last weekend Nathan had a tough day of pitching in a tournament and driving home he said “I have nobody to take me out to practice except my pitching coach once a week.  Those other kids have Dads to take them out whenever they want.”  I wanted to cry.  It hit such a nerve.  Nathan does not have his Dad to take him out to practice pitching and I don’t have his Dad to help me deal with this puppy.  Nathan and I are both alone but in different ways.

And there’s the usual stuff that reminds the three of us that we are alone…conflicting games and tournaments where one of them does not have a parent on the sidelines, one son having to turn down an invitation because the other son has something and I can’t drive them to two different places,  and not getting dinner until after 8pm because there is no parent to cook at home while the other parent is picking up from practice.   We know this is our life.  We’ve been living it for over six years.  We try not to complain but there are times where we just wish things were different.  All three of us want the family back that we started with:  a Mom, a Dad, and two boys.  We want to eat dinner with four people.  We want one parent to be helping one son with homework while the other parent is helping the other son.  We want two parents to divide and conquer the games and tournaments on the weekends so that no son is without a parent on the sideline.  We want there to be two parents dealing with Puppy-Ville so Mommy does not have to do it by herself.

So, here I am back in Widow’s Funk.  I know that I will pull out of it because I have been here many times before and I always do.  I also know that for the rest of my life, I will be in and out of Widow’s Funk.  It’s why I continue to run.  It helps me pull out of Widow’s Funk…eventually.  It does not happen overnight but it helps me get through the days.

I pray to God that I did not make a mistake by getting this puppy.  I have to believe that God is going to provide me strength and patience and that He also has a plan for these challenging puppy issues to end.  I got the puppy to make my sons happy, to give them joy in the difficult lives they lead.  I’m not going to quit on this and I don’t believe God is going to quit on us.

I also know that I will get out of this funk.  I’ve done it before and I will do it again.