One of the greatest lessons that I learned after becoming a Widow is that there are three types of people in this world.

Group One consists of the people you think will always be there for you and will do just about anything for you. And when something tragic happens, like losing your husband, you find out you were right about this group. This group shows up for you and your kids again and again and again. This is the group who knows you so well they don’t even have to ask what you need. They are literally right next to you when you need them. They move you out of your home, they write your husband’s obituary, they take your computer and make beautiful photo montages for your husband’s funeral, they watch your kids so that you can go for a run, they drive St Patrick’s day decorations for your kids to your house in the middle of a horrible rainstorm because they know that there is no way you even remembered it was St Patrick’s Day. They bring you yellow flowers when you comment that if you see another white flower you are going to scream. They dedicate every Sunday morning for the next six months to hike with you so that you can vent and exhaust yourself physically. They lovingly make little toolboxes for your kids with their Dad’s tools. They take your son out to practice baseball. They put a cooler of food on your doorstep so that you have cereal and milk when you come home at midnight from a week in Hawaii. These people have Teddy Bears made from your husband’s flannel shirts for you and both of your sons. These people walk your dog everyday because you don’t have time. They send you an enormous spa gift certificate so that you can escape from the hell you are living in…multiple times. They sit with you for hours while you cry and say “I can’t do this” and they tell you “yes, you can.” For me, this group of people came from all walks of my life: my parents, my high school friends, Gordie’s high school friends, and our friends from Colorado. Five years later, the majority of this group is still there for me.

Group Two consists of the people you never thought would be there for you but they are. This group might contain people you barely know, people you have not talked to in years, and even people who you don’t know. This group is just a beautiful surprise. They are like finding $20 in the pocket of your jeans. They make you feel like you won the lottery. These people invite you to their house for your first Christmas Eve morning after your loss. These people host your son for a week so he can attend a Stanford baseball camp. These people take your son to an NBA game just weeks after his Dad died. These people leave tickets at NBA will-call so that you can have a kick-ass mother-son night out with your oldest boy. These people send you unbelievable tickets to a Raiders game, the team that will forever bond your sons to their Dad. These people dedicate the 1st grade yearbook to the memory of your husband. These people create a food chain that carefully details your sons’ food allergies. These people send you Build a Bear gift certificates so that you can have a fun distraction with your kids.  These people invite your son to a flag football playdate every Friday for the rest of the school year after his Dad died. These people send homemade puppy stuffed animals for your children. These people purchase age appropriate grief books for your children. These people leave yummy food in the cooler on your doorstep so that you have something to eat when you look up and it’s dinner-time. These people contribute to a grocery gift card when they only know you through an email chat about The Bachelor. Some of these people will become part of your new, inner circle of cherished friends. Others might not be close friends but they occupy a very special place in your heart…forever.

Group Three is the group that hurts like hell. This is the group of people you always thought would be there for you and your children but when something tragic happens, they aren’t or, even worse, they actually add stress or pain to your life. The shock and disappointment this group causes can be traumatic, if you let it. My advice is do NOT let it. It’s extremely hard to shake off the hurt this group causes you and your children, but do whatever you can to let it go. For me, it took four acts to let it go: therapy, running, talking to Gordie, and then cutting ties. I spent much of my therapy sessions during the summer and fall following Gordie’s death talking about this group of people. My therapist suggested that I talk to some of them and explain what I was feeling. But, I am a firm believer that people are who they are and they show their true colors in situations like these. Talking to them might initiate a change in behavior but it’s likely to be short term and then they will go back to being who they naturally are. I could survive this bait and switch behavior, but I did not want to subject my sons to it. It would only result in more disappointment for them. There were people in this group who should have been there for my sons but who were not. This enraged me and it still does years later. The most difficult times were when Nathan, my smart, perceptive, observant son, asked questions.

“Why doesn’t (name omitted) practice sports with me?” Nathan asked a few months after Gordie died.

“I don’t know Bud. I guess they are just really busy”, I replied.

“But they said they would”, Nathan said in a small voice

This conversation happened multiples times in the years following Gordie’s death. I would always change the subject. But the anger in my belly would ignite like a fireball. As soon as I could, I would put my running shoes on and hit the pavement. Disappointing me was one thing but disappointing my sons was another thing. I felt like venom was dripping out of me as I ran through the streets of my neighborhood. I have never felt anger as strong as the anger associated with the toll that Group Three had on my sons, particularly Nathan.

One afternoon during the summer after he died, I stopped by Gordie’s niche where his ashes are contained. It was a beautiful summer day. The sky was clear blue and the birds were singing. I sat on the little ledge across from the wall of niches.

“Hi Sugs”, I said as I looked at his name on the wall.

“I’m really struggling. There are some people who are really disappointing us and causing us more stress. It’s taking a toll on me and on Nathan. I don’t know what to do”, I said.

I paused and looked up. A hawk was circling over the cemetery. For months the boys and I had felt that a hawk had been following us. Everywhere we went a hawk was either flying over our car or circling above our location.

I put my head in my hands and started crying.

“Fuck them Stace”, I heard Gordie whisper.

I stopped crying and looked up at his name on the wall.

I heard his voice again.

“You know how I felt about some of these people. Fuck them. Move on”, I heard him say.

I stared at that wall without blinking. I wanted to hear him speak again. But the only noise was a car driving by.

I stayed for several more minutes, hoping I would hear him speak again. I looked up again at the sky but the hawk was gone. I stood up, walked over to his niche and put my hand on his name just like I always did.

“Bye Sugs”, I whispered.

I drove home from the cemetery thinking about his words.

Move on.

From that day on, I started cutting Group Three out of my life and out of my sons’ lives. For some, it was quick, deliberate, and formal. For others, it was more discrete and and took years. I have logged many, many miles over the years trying to run off the pain from Group Three. Sometimes, when I am faced with a big hill on a run, or running out of steam at the end of a 10 mile run, I think about the pain Group Three caused me and my sons, and it fires something inside of me to charge up that hill or complete that long run. But for the most part, I have adopted Gordie’s philosophy: fuck them. As Nathan has grown older, I have shared his Dad’s philosophy with him and also shared some secrets about his Dad’s feelings only known by Gordie’s closest friends and by me. It has helped Nathan shed the pain Group Three caused him and it has also toughened him up. He has learned at a very early age that people will disappoint him but that others will surprise him in the most beautiful way. I would love to say that nobody in Group Three ever caused us pain again after that first year, but that would be untrue. However, my sons and I are now better equipped to deal with it. As my dear Widow friend once told me “I am constantly pruning my garden of friends.”

Ultimately, here is the lesson that I have learned from being a young Widow. There are three types of people in life but there is just one simple math equation that matters. If the sum of Group One and Group Two is greater than the amount in Group Three….you are blessed.

My sons and I are very, very blessed.