In late March, just weeks after Gordie died, I got my first taste of what it would be like to be a solo Mom of boys. Nathan was in a Cub Scouts den and his Pinewood Derby race was just a few weeks following Gordie’s death. We had purchased the car making kit over a month ago and it was sitting on Gordie’s desk. One of my friends found it when they were cleaning out the Estate and moving us to my parents’ house. A few days after the funeral, Gordie’s best friend, Chris, called me.
“Hi Stace. Suzi said that Nathan’s Pinewood derby is in just a couple of weeks and that he needs to make the car. I’d love to help him. Is that OK?”
I nearly cried with relief. Not only had I forgotten about the race but I am also the least handy person on the planet. I had no clue how to build a car.
We went over to Chris and Suzi’s house for pizza a few nights later. Chris took Nathan into a different room to work on the design of the car. Wyatt played with Chris and Suzi’s three kids. I stayed in the kitchen to talk to Suzi about my new fucked up life. She made all the right appropriate jokes and I laughed which felt really good.
As we drove away that night, Nathan was full of excitement in the backseat of my car. He told me what he and Chris had decided for the design of the car.
A few nights later we returned to Chris’ house so that he and Nathan could paint the car. Chris had spent god knows how many hours between our two visits working on the car. It was just yet another thing that he and Suzi would do for us for years to come.
On our third visit, Nathan and Chris finished the car. When I saw the finished car, a tear rolled down my face. It was painted forest green, the color of the De La Salle Spartans, Gordie’s high school alma mater. It had a Spartans helmet logo and an Oakland Raiders logo. On one side of the car it said Spartants in silver lettering and on the other side, it said Raiders in the same silver lettering. Gordie’s two most favorite football teams: the De La Salle Spartans and the Oakland Raiders.
There was also a racing number on the car: 26. Chris told Nathan it was their family’s lucky number.
Boy could we use some luck, I thought.
Nathan loved the car. He carried it gently in a shoe box on the way home.
The race was later that week. Chris came to help Nathan during the race. Suzi and their kids sat with Wyatt and I in the bleachers to cheer them on. They did not win but it was a winning night for all of us. Nathan was so proud of his car and was so happy to be able to do the derby even though his Dad was not there.
I sat on the edge of his bed after I tucked him in that night.
“How was tonight Bud?” I asked.
“It was good. I wish my Dad was there but Mr Chris was so nice to help me. And I bet my car would have looked the same if Daddy were here.” he said.
“Why do you say that?” I asked.
“Because Mr Chris and Daddy were best friends. I bet Mr Chris knew exactly how Daddy would have done it.” he answered.
“Ohhhhh. I bet you are right.” I said.
“Will Mr Chris and Daddy’s other friends help me with all of my stuff?” Nathan asked.
He was articulating one of my biggest fears. Who was going to help my sons with the stuff that Dads do best?
I thought carefully before I replied.
“Everyone has their own lives Bud and we have to respect that. But when we really need some help, yes, Daddy’s friends will be there for us.” I explained.
“OK”, Nathan replied and then yawned.
“Congrats on your race tonight Nath. Get some sleep.” I whispered.
I kissed Wyatt who was lying in his pack n play listening.
“Good night little Bubs” I said. He smiled at me through his pacifier.
I shut the door to their room and walked into the bathroom across the hall. I examined myself in the mirror. I looked like shit. I looked tired. My eyes had huge dark circles under them. My hair was in a messy ponytail. I peered closer in the mirror. I also looked scared.
How was I going to raise boys on my own? I silently asked my image in the mirror.